Movin’ On Up…

In an effort to make this blog a little more aesthetically pleasing, we’ve moved to http://www.thechaosindex.com

 

Tick, Tick, Tick: You Can Hear The Chaos Clock Counting Down, Can’t You?

Can you hear the Chaos Clock ticking away, getting ready to brighten your college football weekend with more spectacular madness? Here’s where you’re most likely to feel the burn this weekend.

Ohio State @ Indiana – Oh Indiana, you incredible instigators of insignificance! Look at you, all undefeated and everything!!! We don’t even care that the best win any of your opponents has had was over…Vanderbilt? And now, a home game with your fifth cupcake of the season, a squad that’s totally confused about who to play at quarterback. Oh sure, the Bucks are a minor step up in class, but what could go wrong?

‘Bama @ Georgia – Dawgs don’t usually step on elephants, but there’s a reason the Tide are underdogs for the first time in forever. Of course, the Dawgs usually step on their own tails and trip when their big moment arrives. Call it crimson, or just call it red, either way, there will be blood between the hedges on Saturday, and somebody’s going to leave weeping into their playoff crying towel.

South Carolina @ Missouri – After playing with fire, Mizzou finally got burned this week. After burning for most of the last two seasons, SCAR put out a couple embers last Saturday, but their house is still on fire, and somebody is going to leave Columbia feeling extra torched. In fact, THE WHOLE FUTURE OF THE GAMECOCKS PROGRAM HINGES ON SATURDAY’S GAME!!! At least the Tigers won’t be dealing with a quarterback controversy this week. (Bonus points for the midweek chaos, fellas!)

The Ewe @ Cincinnati – It’s nice when the chaos starts early in the week, and lookee here, the ‘Canes are 3-0! ! Cincinnati just got run into the ground by Paxton Lynch. Finally, things are back on track in Coral Gables. Hell, maybe they could take down Felony State and then all bets are off. Just two problems: (1) they’re not going to beat the ‘Noles in ten days, and (2) this is as trap gamey as trap games get.

Arkansas @ Tennessee – Two very, very disappointed fanbases have the opportunity to drink their sorrows away together. Really, the loser of this game should jet immediately to Austin for a disappointmentoff.

UTSA @ UTEP – Coming into the season, both teams were on the up. Now, not so much. UTEP has those two barnburner wins against New Mexico State (great game, but c’mon, it’s NMSU) and Incarnate Word. That’s two more wins than the Roadrunners are sitting on. Here’s a crazy thought: the Miners have a real shot at getting to 6-2. UTSA, meanwhile, has a real shot of playing North Texas in a battle of 0-7 teams.

 

UCF @ Tulane – Not so long ago, Central Florida was THE SECOND BEST PROGRAM IN THE STATE!!! Also, Tulane kinda sorta mattered. Now, UCF is winless, and Tulane has a win only because they played an FCS school. In their other two games, the Green Matadors have waved at opponents scoring 102 points. Come to think of it, this game might be more about impending ineptitude, rather than impending chaos.

Kings Of Kaos, Week 4: BYU

It all made so much sense.

The Cougars have always longed to be power players. Even that 1984 national championship didn’t really stamp them as that, and now Utah is playing in the Pac-12, and they’re not. Hence, the move to independent status.

With the inception of the College Football Playoff, unless you’re initials are Notre Dame, independent status can only mean one thing: being stuck in the limbo between Power 5 and Group of 5 status. (There’s a Jackson 5 joke in here somewhere, but whatever.)

The solution was obvious: schedule big, schedule hard, schedule fast. A noble thought, sure, but maybe the dude doing the scheduling should have considered a fourth piece of the puzzle: schedule balanced.

You’re no doubt familiar with the early results.

• A thrilling, Hail Mary win over Nebraska in Lincoln.
• Fourth and 7 with :54 to against Boise State, and this happened.
• Week Three and another thrilling last-minute come-from-behind win. Wait a minute, the winning team in that video is wearing a lighter shade of blue. What’s up with that? Why that was enough to make a good Mormon completely lose his, uh, stuff. Still, 2-1 with the loss to a top-10 team ain’t bad.
• An unmitigated disaster in Week Four, but even that was kind of amazing, if only because it was the last thing anyone expected.

So, scheduling dude, let’s talk. Kudos to you for setting your guys up with a serious schedule – it’s impressive. Just one thing: y’know those back-to-back games with Wagner and San Jose State? Maybe you could’ve broken those up a bit. Oh sure, teams in conferences have commitments to keep, but everybody you’re playing belongs to a conference.

I see you’ve worked in some balance for Week Five. Connecticut – good call! They’re awful. The coach is 4-12 during his stay there.

Just one thing: have you heard the letters BIA? In Storrs, they stand for “Best In America”, and their defense thinks that’s what they are. Coming from a team that went 2-10 last year, that would be funny, except that they’re pretty damn good, giving up 17 points a game.

Here’s where you can do America a favor.

Have you watched the “spectacular” the Huskies played with Missouri a couple weeks ago? Unlike most games that are 6-2 at the half (and that was the higher-scoring half), it was bad. Painfully, achingly, awfully bad. It was the kind of game that made you want to drop your television into the Great Salt Lake.

And now, you’re here to help. You, Cougs, are fun! You’re exciting. When you’re balling out, stuff happens.

So, please please please bring the chaos with you this weekend. Whip up some extra Jell-O and funeral potatoes so that you’re nice and charged up. Then, go do something, anything interesting against UConn.

A Texas-style kicking meltdown might be entertaining (though we have no idea how you top the Longhorns for that).

Perhaps a 45 year-old walk-on who’s been off on an extra long mission could score the winning touchdown on a Hail Moroni pass, whatever that is.

Y’all are creative. You’ll think of something.

Just remember, you’re the only thing going late this Friday night. Please don’t make us go to bed dreaming of Iowa State-Kansas at noon Eastern on Saturday.

We deserve better. America deserves better.

And we believe in you, BYU.

The Chaos Index, Week Four: Dang, Texas – Everything (Including Meltdowns) Really Is Bigger There!

This week, the fickle flipped finger of fate made sure that everything – including bizarre meltdowns – really is bigger in Texas. Say hello to our chaotic little friends.

1. Texas – Admit it: you thought it couldn’t get any worse than losing a game on a missed extra point. Fun game for the next six days: try to guess how much worse it could get. Sometimes, it’s just not your year.
2. TCU – Football can be a very cruel game. What’s happened to the Frogs defense isn’t at all fair, and you’ve got to admire the fact they’re playing through it. Anyway, Texas is going to explode at some point, and next Saturday in Dallas might just be that point. Also, if they gave up 52 to a good, but hardly great, Texas Tech offense, what might Baylor and Oklahoma do to them?
3. Tennessee – Do you, to paraphrase Guns ‘N Roses, have an appetite for self-destruction? Then find a way to pit Texas and Tennessee against each other in The Game That Both Teams Absolutely Must Win Or Else and watch what happens.       But first, you might want to travel to Knoxville and buy up every box of razor blades in sight before the natives can get their hands on them.
4. Arkansas – Give those Hogs a participation trophy for putting up a good fight against TAMU! That game with Auburn in four weeks could be the most disappointing game in the history of life (for both teams).
5. VaTech – It’s an old recipe for chaos: coaching legend stays a little too long. Things aren’t awful, but they go downhill just enough that the natives start bitching. The coach doesn’t want to go yet; he wants to fix things first and then hang ’em up. There’s a long-time successor-in-waiting, but the fans want a big name who probably wouldn’t touch the gig with a ten-foot pole. Throw in the coach’s desire to see his son, who’s on the staff as an assistant, succeed him.
6. South Carolina – See VaTech.
7. Territorial Cup – Remember when the Arizona schools were considered big-time players in the Pac-12 South, and because of that, national pictures?   Now that the SoCal schools have immolated them at home for 98 points, you can probably forget about it.
8. Ohio State – About that whole deal with having three Heisman-caliber quarterbacks: maybe the best one is play wide receiver.       It’s a good thing they’ve got a long way to Michigan State and a whole lot of cupcakes to devour before then.
9. Wyoming – You know you’ve got trouble when you’re 0-4, and the “good” loss is to Washington State. (Hey, it beats losing to Eastern Michigan, an FCS team, and the ramblin’ wreck from New Mex.) They’re paying Craig Bohl how much money for this?
10. UTEP – Memo to Sean Kugler: bro, wake up! You stumbled into a quarterback, and you have no more running game. Also, you just got spooked by something called Incarnate Word (which is not what a devout Catholic version of Vanilla Ice would wish to your mother).       Take your “team identity” and that three-yards-and-a-cloud-of-dust act and shelve it for the next several years.
11. Missoura – The best way to f up a really good quarterback?       Put him in an in-season competition with another really good quarterback who has no experience.       You knew after three weeks of playing with fire, that Mizzou would eventually get burned, but Kentucky?
12. Fresno State – All hope is not lost. Hawaii is still on the schedule. Just kidding – yes, Hawaii is still on the schedule – actually, all hope is lost.
13. Purdue – The “good” news? Bowling Green is pretty good, so that one-touchdown loss isn’t that bad. The bad news? Everything else, starting with next week’s little visit to East Lansing.
14. Nebraska – The nice people of Lincoln are starting to ask questions about the defensive coordinator. Nicely, of course. They’ve got one week to fix it before Wisconsin, Minnesota & Northwestern, whose quarterbacks might be a little better than the Southern Mississippi dude who just hit them for 447 yards.
15. Kansas – With the best week of their season – the bye week – now in the rear view mirror, the Jayhawks are staring at their last, best chance to get a win this year. Too bad it’s also Iowa State’s last (okay, it’s also their first – but now you’re nitpicking), best chance to win a conference game.
16. Rutgers – After winning a “battle of troubled programs“, they now get to enter their best week of the season – also their bye week – assuming no one uses the extra time to get arrested or into an academic scandal.       Better still, they now have two weeks to prepare for – wait for it – Michigan State.
17. UCF – Speaking of battles of troubled programs, if you lose one of those – say, against – South Carolina, things aren’t going very well at all. Here’s hoping their A.D. has a sit down with the head coach after they gave up 300+ yards of total offense to a true freshman making his first start. Perhaps he should open with the words, “You seem distracted…”
18. Auburn – Two possibilities: Coach Boom got his end of things fixed and Coach Malzahn found a quarterback or there’s a Halloween bloodletting on the horizon against Ole Miss. Bet on the latter.
19. Oregon – What, precisely what THAT?!? (Outside of Big Trouble In Little Eugene, of course.)       As the program shifts out of Guys That Chip Kelly Recruited mode, there seem to be a few problems with things like offense and defense.
20. Miami (OH NO) – Two thoughts: Chuck Martin was The Man! in D2. Also, it’s a good thing they put Presbyterian on the schedule. After all, it’s along way until that Eastern Michigan game.

The Chaos Index, Week Three: Texas In A Tailspin

Round and round the chaos goes. Where it stops, the Index knows.

1. Texas – At this point, you can all but pencil the ‘Horns in at the top spot for the rest of the season. If they’re concerned about attendance in Austin now, how will things look if they start 1-7 after they spend some quality time with both Oklahoma schools, TCU, and K-State? Even that 527 yards of total offense that Jerrod Heard ran up might be a little dubious considering who he did it against.

2. Pac-12 South – Most. Overrated. Division. Ever. Said differently: when UCLA escaping by the skin of their teeth over a razor’s edge BYU is your big positive of the week, while Southern Cal gets bulldozed by the team that couldn’t score on Northwestern and the Arizona schools feast on (Arizona) or squeak by (ASU) a steady diet of cupcakes (not counting ASU’s maiming in College Station, of course), you’re not COLLEGE FOOTBALL’S BEST DIVISION!!!, are you?

3. SEC West – It’s playing out just like you expected, isn’t it? The Alabama schools are in charge, while LSU, TAMU and Ole Miss are probably a year away. Chaos is usually quite entertaining, but this might take the football-shaped tailgate party cake.

4. USC – So maybe things aren’t all better in Heritage Hall, given that Stanford just lit the Trojans up for more points than they did Northwestern and Central Florida combined. Has the “distracted coach” talk started yet in Troy?

5. USC – Congratulations on making the guy who couldn’t win the starting gig in Charlottesville look like Peyton Manning on Saturday. (Though you did force him to miss on one of his 25 passes, so that’s something!)

6. The Fightin’ Petrinos – Check it out! Paulie Walnuts ran up their first victory of the year…and by three points against Wofford at that. This week, Bob-o gets his chance – Samford Bulldogs…come on down!

7. Auburnt – Apparently, last week’s little tussle with Jacksonville State wasn’t exactly a fluke. That said, congratulations on keeping all the LSU running backs not named Leonard Fournette to an average of 6.5 yards a carry (while playing a team that can’t pass the ball), Tigers. Oh, and good luck scrubbing his tire tracks off your backs before Dak Prescott adds a bunch more next week.

8. Arkansas – Stupid things we wrote in the preseason: “[I]magine what happens when the Hogs get done with that lollipop nonconference schedule and dive headlong into the SEC West.” It seems that the Hogs chose not to wait.

9. The U – They’re undefeated and fans are flying Fire Al Golden banners over Coral Gables…and that was before they blew a 23-point lead to the sorta-hated Huskers and lucked out a win in OT. Can you imagine the atmosphere when they get blasted by “welcome” Clemson next month?

10. Nebraska – This is where the new coach usually utters the words, “We just need to learn how to win close games.” Say the words “moral victory” in Lincoln and see how fast the locals run you out of town.

11. Rutgers – The Scarlet Knights are obviously a lock for every week this year, aren’t they? They did, however, slide down into the second ten by putting up a field goal against Penn State while getting no one arrested during the game.

12. Virginia – That moral victory against the Irish looks pretty pointless after the Hoos just handed William & Mary their own moral victory in Scott Stadium. It’s hard to look at the conference schedule and see where they win a game, much less enough games to save Mike London’s gig. At least they have one game with a Group Of Five team first. Against Boise State. On national television in five days.

13. Alabama – The drooling Roll Tide lunatics are very open-minded about losing to Ole Miss two years in a row. If it’s possible to torch the town without blaming Saint Nick, they’ll find a way. Lose to Georgia in two weeks, and the Tuscaloosa PD will be putting the town on lockdown.

14. Mizzoops – How fortunate the Tigers are to have two great quarterback talents to choose from, though it might be nice if they didn’t look like ‘Bama QB’s have lately. Memo to Gary Pinkel: putting the true freshman in only at the end of the halves in close games might be a way of figuring out whether he’s got the cojones for this…or it might be playing with fire.

15. Florida – Undefeated…and looking at 3-5. Those understanding Swamp People will be cool with that, right? They’ll also enjoy seeing Tennessee take out all their residual Oklahoma anger on the Gators before seeing four ranked teams beat them. (Though if Mizzou’s offense plays like they did against UConn…)

16. UC/SF – 60 yards passing, Bulls? Suhweet! Quickly descending toward 1-11 before changing coaches. Now, if you guys could lose to an FCS team that had won one game in the last 12 months, you’d really be keeping up with the O’Learys.

17. FAU – Now officially college football’s second-best bet to go 0-12 this year. If anyone cared, this would be really bad. We could’ve put New Mexico State here, but they’ve got Idaho on the schedule, so there’s a shot at 1-11 in Las Cruces. (Of course, the Aggies do have the opportunity to lose to bad rivals in consecutive weeks next Saturday, so that’s something.)

18. North Texas – Look, it’s not like many people care, but given that you’re in the state where football is a deity, it might be a good idea not to serve as the giant bag of flaming poo left on the Lone Star State’s doorstep.

19. Boston College – If you’re looking for an unpleasant experience and root canal simply won’t do, go find a tape of this week’s game with Florida State. When the Northern Illinois team that just scared the bejeebers out of Ohio State gets through with them next Saturday, perhaps the offensive genius that is Steve Addazio will be in the mood for a little dental surgery.

20. Fresno State – Hmm…giving up 59 points a game against schools not named Abilene Christian. We hate to repeat ourselves but remember when Tim DeRuyter was headed for the big time? You can free up whatever brain cells you’ve used to store that information for something more productive.

Bonus: If you’re the UTSA marketing department, do you excitedly note that you’ve posted this photo to Facebook?

The Chaos Index, Week Two! Who Implodes First: Rutgers Or Texas?

It’s usually about this time when the meltdowns begin, and boy have they begun. The big question now appears to be whether the first casualty of the new season will be Kyle Flood or Steve Patterson, and given that everything is bigger in Texas – including the meltdowns – I’d bet on the A.D.

1. Texas – A statewide freakout over the Horns?!? Naw, never happen! Even if they’re THE SIXTH BEST TEAM IN TEXAS!!!!! In shocking news, the long knives aren’t out for Charlie Strong yet. The A.D? That’s another matter altogether. Oh, and the program’s biggest honk – the one with a statue inside the stadium – has allegedly cancelled his luxury box for the rest of the season. What a pity that there’s no deposition to watch.

2. Rutgers – Things are looking up in Jersey. No one’s been arrested or kicked off the team in almost a whole day now, and the coach apparently hasn’t attempted to lean on any professors in at least that long either. Losing to The Pirate under suspicious circumstances might take that old fighting spirit down a notch, though.

3. The Schedule – Congratulations to Illinois on overcoming the chaos in Champaign and wiping our their opponent 44-0. Big ups to BC on that 76-0 smackdown they dealt. U-Dub is clearly back in the saddle after a seven-touchdown shutout win. Look at TCU dropping a 70-spot in its victim. A salute to you Northwestern, Duke and Louisiana Monroe on those 40+-point shutout spankings! Just don’t notice that seemingly half of FBS was fighting a tomato can on Saturday, while exactly six ranked teams played against another ranked team. (That’s three games, y’all.) Yep, maybe it’s time to stop fattening up on the lower division.

4. Auburn – Surely Gus Malzahn would agree with that sentiment. At least he would if he wasn’t still busy trying to recover from sweating out a tight-as-it-gets overtime win against that in-state powerhouse – y’know, Jacksonville State. Perhaps War Eagle is a tad overrated this year.

5. The Brothers Petrino – Bobby’s tight loss to Auburn looks a little less zesty this week for some reason. Ditto the home loss to Houston. Things are cheerier in Idaho, where Paul kept his Vandals within half a hundred of USC and has the team situated for their annual win, this year against Wofford.

6. Arkansas – Bret Bielema may be a great football coach. (Or he might not. We’re not persuaded either way yet.) What he is clearly not is a dude with a grasp of when to run the smack down on others. (Side note: coaches whose teams book Tennessee-Martin should probably keep their pieholes zipped tight.) Congrats on bringing the #badkarma down on the Hogs, bro.

7. Florida – After wiping the Swamp with that renowned powerhouse, New Mexico State last week, rainbows spontaneously shone upon Gainesville while unicorns pranced through the atmosphere pooping lollipops on those in orange and blue below. The Gators were back!!! Or not!!! This week, things are a tad more “embarrassing” after a non-wipeout of a good directional program. Luckily, the new coach never lost his composure on the sidelines.

8. Temple – Welcome to the fun teams section of The Chaos Index. After sending Penn State into, er, chaos last week, the Owls ended another long losing streak against Cincinnati and are now…AAC East favorites? Is it a pity that game with Notre Dame isn’t happening until Halloween, or is that just fate’s way of scheduling a little trick or treat for the Leprechaun?

9. BYU – And for their next trick, the Cougars will be locked in a box with only their third-string quarterback and will somehow escape with a last-minute 108-yard drive to overcome a nine point deficit, thanks to the new three-point conversion rule.

10. New Mexico State – And now, back to sad reality. Long one of college football’s permahellholes, the Aggies took it to a whole new level when they handed Georgia State their first-ever win against FBS competition. Better still, the Ags pulled off this dazzling feat in front of the home fan. That’s not a typo, just an assumption that there’s still one guy in Las Cruces who believes. We hope he’s doing okay today.

11. New Mexico – Is Bob Davie still coaching football? If so, does that make him the victim or the villain in Albuquerque? Those consecutive games against tailspinning Wyoming and New Mexico State can’t come soon enough. It’s a good thing they don’t have to play a pissed off Arizona State on national television before then.

12. SCAR – We’ve always been amused at the way South Carolina gets abbreviated as “SCAR” in that little score box in the bottom corner of your television screen. Losing to Kentucky at home, while losing their titular starting QB, means the scars are adding up for the second straight year. The HBC gets plenty of slack in Columbia – as he should – and no one else in the SEC would dare use this stuff against him in the recruiting wars. No one at all.

13. Virginia – It’s starting to look like college football is the bully that keeps holding a lollipop juuuust out of Virginia’s reach. Every time it seems like the Hoos on are the verge of a signature, breakthrough win, things fall apart. To expect anything less at home against the Irish would have been, er, unexpected.

14. Tulane – Georgia Tech looks pretty dang good this year. With that 65-10 beatdown, the Green Wave looks ten points better than much of FCS this year.

15. UTEP – Losing by a combined score of 117-33 in your first two games is ugly. Losing your one stud player is a lot uglier. Arkansas getting waxed by Toledo didn’t make things look better either. Lose in Las Cruces on Saturday, and it might be best to grab some hotel rooms in Tucumcari rather than driving home.

16. Fresno State – Remember when Tim DeRuyter was the Next Big Thing in college coaching? You can free up whatever brain cells you’ve used to store that information for something more productive.

17. Central Florida – Remember when UCF was the Next Big Thing in mid-major football? Like Blake Bortles, those days have moved on.

18. Notre Dame – The Irish are back in the national title hunt! Well, they were. Things might be looking a whole lot better if Everett Golson weren’t hanging around Tallahassee these days, particularly with Georgia Tech and Clemson coming up in the next three weeks.

19. Kansas – Congratulations on staying within four touchdowns (with successful two point conversions) of Memphis at home. Whatever the worst season in college football history is, the Jayhawks are on their way toward eclipsing it.

20. The Schedule (Slight Return) – Don’t look now, but Week Three doesn’t look a whole lot more dazzling than Week Two. Where Week Two featured all of three games between ranked teams, Week Three features, uh, three games between ranked teams, and this being an SEC West world (even after last week), two of those three games are SEC West games.

The Chaos Index: Week One

It wasn’t quite as wacky as that week where Appalachian State worked Michigan in The Big House, but there weather delays, last play delays, and the occasional Hail Mary to revel in as the chaos that is college football conducted its annual rollout.

Here’s your first week guide to the weird, the whiny, and the most messed up uniforms since Maryland broke out those medieval getups a few years ago.

1. Texas – What does burnt orange smell like after it gets burned that badly? Boy, this season is going to be an ugly affair, particularly after next week’s “respite” against Rice, which is now being referred to as a must-win game in some quarters (like the Dallas Morning News). Advice to Longhorn Nation: back away from Charlie Strong. Your program was a mess, and it’s not going to get right for another year or two.

2. LSU – Where The Hat toils, on-field chaos usually follows. Now, chaos has taken a turn in B.R.  Things have been crazy off the field, what with players leaving and players getting arrested (including the former starting quarterback, whose little bit of chaos may have contributed to his being the new #2 QB). It’s a good thing they got a week to warm up on a cupcake before playing two huge SEC West games.  Sorry, make that, it’s good they got two series to…never mind.

3. Stanford – The Cardinal have been making sparks fly for years now.  Unfortunately, those sparks you saw flying on Saturday were caused by the chassis of their wagon bouncing off the ground as the wheels came off of it.

4. Nebraska – Stressed about the Hail Mary? Yep, that’s the ticket. Giving up 511 yards while killing off a 30-year win streak is no big deal at all.

5. BYU – Sometimes chaos is your friend. Winning that way in Lincoln was rather enjoyable for the wholesome people of Provo. Losing Taysom Hill – again – not so much. Life can be incredibly unfair, but is it really chaotic if it happens three out of four years? And now, time to see how things go with a 22 year-old freshman QB.

6. UCLA – And again, a delightful blend of good and bad chaos. The good: the entire world is now having a giant Josh Rosen freakout. Presumably, by the end of the year, the ball will simply disappear from his hand and magically teleport into a waiting receiver’s hands in the end zone. The not-so-good chaos: maybe it’s not the best of ideas to throw passes to all-conference defensive ends just for yuks.

7. Penn State – There’s nothing like beating your in-state “rival” for the first time since before World War II to shake things up. Congratulations, Temple. This might be the right time to ask the rhetorical question: Is Christian Hackenberg really the first pick in the next NFL draft? Rhetorically speaking, the answer is no. Of course, getting sacked ten times in one game didn’t help matters either, did it?

8. Washington State – Pick one: (a) The rain isn’t very friendly to the Air Raid, or (b) Power Five teams should not lose to middling FCS schools. Ever. We’re going with (b), and we’re also wondering how much longer Wazzu will be a Power Five school. That sounds unthinkable today. In a couple years, it’ll be plenty thinkable.

9. Vanderbilt – ” Hello. American Athletic Conference. How may we help you?” “Hi, AAC! This is Vanderbilt calling, and we’d like to discuss…” “Please hold while we transfer your call to the Sun Belt.”

10. Texas Tech – Pat Mahomes is the second coming of whichever Mike Leach quarterback you like, and life is ducky again in Lubbock. Kindly ignore the 637 yards surrendered to an FCS team – a good one sure, but the mind reels at the thought of what Arkansas, TCU and Baylor are about to do to them.

11. Colorado – Nothing to see here. Nothing at all. Just move along, and please do it in less than 14 seconds.

12. Central Florida – Do you know how many wannabe Group Of Five powerhouses lose at home to Florida International? The correct answer is none.

13. Utah State – Every season includes at least one stinker of a game that a team needs to find a way to survive, and the Aggies hung tough until that 88-yard punt return saved their day. Oh sure, this stinker was against a meh FCS squad, but it’s not like this is the Brent Guy era…is it?

14. Tulane – Ahh, Tulane. You were modestly relevant last year. Welcome back to reality.

15. Kansas – Give the Jayhawks credit. They hung tough, battled back, and while they didn’t get the W at home, they did show that they could be a very competitive program in the Missouri Valley Football Conference. Not a playoff team, mind you, but they could probably play .500 ball there.

16. Wyoming – Craig Bohl was undefeated against North Dakota in his previous gig. (Okay, so they didn’t play in those years. He barely lost to anyone from FCS while at NDSU.) Perhaps he should have stayed there (and that’s a comment on the two programs, not on his coaching).

17. Louisville (special uniform award) – The ‘Ville might have some serious talent this year, and thanks to ye olde uniforms, you’ll experience the delightful pleasure of not knowing their names. Luckily, kids these days don’t make a big deal about how things look.

18. Virginia Tech – The good people of Blacksburg are used to something in a higher price range, and tOSU just reminded them that they’ve been placed (sans starting quarterback) in the markdown bin. A lot of programs would love to have the Hokies’ problems – wouldn’t they, Kansas?

19. Kentucky – Suggested taunt for UK fans to direct at KU fans at next year’s Final Four: “You guys could barely compete in an FCS conference. We couldn’t totally finish in the upper half of the Sun Belt!”

20. Tie: Florida Atlantic & Tulsa – If some Owls are felled by a Golden Hurricane in the woods and no one cares enough to hear them, do they make a sound? (And, if so, is it the sound of a yawn being stifled?)

Bonus Chaos: FBS Teams That Could Lose To FCS Schools This Year

It’s always entertaining wondering which of the big boys will lose to little brother, particularly since it happens every year, and you can see some of those “upsets” a million miles away, such as this years top three. Here are your most “promising” FBS tank jobs ranked in order of how ugly they’d be, not how likely they are to happen.

1. Iowa vs. Illinois State. See the pre-season Chaos rankings, and don’t be surprised if things get ugly quickly in Iowa City.

2. Connecticut vs. Villanova. ‘Nova will be favored in this one, won’t they?

3. Kansas vs. South Dakota State. In these parts, it’ll be considered an upset if the Jayhawks pull off the win.

4. Texas Tech vs. Sam Houston State. In baseball, K is shorthand for strikeout. Kliff Kingsbury is dangerously close to striking out in Lubbock, and the Bearcats were FCS semifinalists last year.

5. Pitt vs. Youngstown State. Blah blah blah, Bo Pellini. Blah blah blah 2012. People will talk. It ain’t happenin’ again y’all, but if it does….

6. Iowa State vs. Northern Iowa. Would it even be an upset if UNI dusts the cyclones?   They’re a traditional FCS power, and they’re the only team to beat four-time champs North Dakota State in the last four years.

7. Troy vs. Charleston Southern. The Trojans used to be a mid-major power. Not any more. The Bucs have won 18 games in the last two seasons.

8. Buffalo vs. Albany. Buffalo is just bad enough and Albany is just good enough to make an “upset” likely.

9. Idaho vs. Wofford. It’s the Who Cares Bowl, and you don’t really care if Idaho is, er, vandalized, do you?

10. UNLV vs. Idaho State. Idaho State is hardly a great FCS program, but UNLV is hardly an FBS program.

11. Georgia State vs. Liberty. Considering they squeaked by Abilene Christian at home last year and still haven’t beaten an FBS team – and considering Turner Gill-coached Liberty split the Big South last year – this is an even money shot. It’s just not all that chaotic, really.

The Chaos Index: Preseason Rankings

Where is college football going to get extra freaky the fastest this year?  Here are your answers, and no, Illinois doesn’t count.  Things are about to get really mellow now that Tim Beckman is headed for an autumn in the tropics (or at the offices of Dewey, Cheatem & Howe, but that’s another matter).

1. Iowa. Think the natives are getting restless? After his big run from 2002-2004 (and a 2009 outlier), Kirk Ferentz has been good for 6-8 wins like clockwork lo these 16 years. This year, they open with Illinois State, who barely lost to four-time FCS champs North Dakota State in last year’s title game. If things go south on September 5^th, this will get very ugly very fast. If they don’t, things won’t get weird until Wisconsin plows them in Week 5.

2. Texas. Typically, a new football coach – particularly one with a track record like Charlie Strong’s – gets a few years to rebuild matters. Typically, a fan base isn’t nearly as obnoxiously smug and entitled as the Horns’. One 6-7 season later, with Texas now the fourth best program in, er, Texas, the long knives will be out quick, especially if things start 2-4, which is a distinct possibility when your first half includes Notre Dame, TCU, and both Oklahoma schools. If they lose at home to Cal in Week Three, the team should probably plan on relocating to Abilene.

3. Florida. The last time the Gators dipped into the Mountain West for a head coach, they got Urban Meyer. Jim McElwain is not Urban Meyer. The best quarterback on the roster appears to be “none of the above”. The best running back on the roster just left the roster. The defense is led by the alleged DBU crew, which backstops the definitely not DLU and LBU crews. They won’t lose to a Georgia Southern this year, but happy days are decidedly not here again in the Swamp.

4. South Florida. You hired a coach who went 16-20 in the Sun Belt? What did you expect? Last year, the disasters that were Tulsa and SMU spared USF from having only one win against an FBS opponent. Tulsa is not on the schedule this year, and Chad Morris is in at SMU. Welcome to the final year of the Willie Taggart era.

5. USC. The Trojans are back! There’s a Heisman Trophy quarterback at Troy! A Pac-12 title and playoff berth are going to happen! Never mind the questions in the defensive front seven or the minor matter of what happens if Cody Kessler goes down (not that he’s playing behind a really young o-line or anything). Especially never mind that the fans are already halfway to demanding Sark’s head on a platter. One surprise loss – y’know, like Boston College, Arizona State, or Utah last year – and the torches and pitchforks will be out. Luckily, Sark’s training camp has been uneventful.

6. USC. A year ago, the Gamecocks were feeling, er, cocky and hanging a 75-foot tall Spurrier on the side of Williams-Brice Stadium. 12 months later, after a horrific 7-6 flop, the D can’t possibly be anywhere near as bad as it was in 2014. Of course, the offense won’t be nearly as good with questions at quarterback and with no depth beyond Pharoh Cooper at receiver. The Spurrier Is Retiring talk will only heat up more.

7. Utah. There’s talent everywhere, and the Utes have proved they belong in the big time. These should be the salad days in SLC, and they were until some jackass (hint: he’s the A.D.) decided to pick a fight with Kyle Whittingham, who really should be coaching somewhere better than this. If anything weird happens, and with Michigan and Oregon in the first month, that’s possible, tensions could escalate quickly, followed by – naturally – chaos.

8. Washington State. Try this little crisis on for size: more consolidation is coming. Somebody – some Power 5 program from a small media market – is going to get left out. (Okay, several somebodies are going to be left out.) Things aren’t working out so hot for the Pirate. Things better improve quickly, before somebody in Pullman pulls the trigger in an attempt to make things look much better in the Palouse.

9. Ole Mississippi State. The feel good stories of 2014 won’t get ugly this year, but there’s about to be a severe reduction in the feelgoodishness of things, particularly in Oxford, where there’s still a ton of talent on both lines but a lot of questions at the skill positions. In Stark Vegas, Dak Prescott might be the best quarterback in the game, but enough talent has moved on to Sundays that last year is about to look like the good old days.

10. Colorado. The happy notes: best receiver in the conference and a talented quarterback. The bad notes: everything else. At least the Buffs miss Oregon and Stanf…just kidding. Welcome back to the cellar in college football’s other strongest division.

11. Oklahoma. America’s most disappointing team, year in and year out, has a chance to lose to up-and-coming (but still 7-6 last year) Tennessee in Week Two. That might set a new land speed record for letting the air out of the Sooner Schooner’s tires.

12. Arkansas. Apparently, a 2-6 SEC finish creates momentum. This season’s trendy pick for team on the rise, imagine what happens when the Hogs get done with that lollipop nonconference schedule and dive headlong into the SEC West while down a stud running back. Lucky for them, they only get Tennessee and Missouri out of the East. They’ll be better this year, but not that much better, which might mean #badkarma is back in Fayetteville.

13. Cal. At last, things in Strawberry Canyon are back on track after we ran Coach Ted out of Dodge! We’ve got maybe the best quarterback in the conference. Look at that Bear Raid offense go! The defense is coming back out on the field? Oh hell, duck and cover, friends. If you can’t smell the trouble in this air, you’re not breathing deeply enough.

14. Hawaii. Norm Chow deserves better. He hasn’t gotten it yet, and he isn’t going to this year. Starting with Ohio State, Wisconsin and Boise State in the first five weeks isn’t going to help either.

15. Vanderbilt. Vandy has absolutely no right to expect to be good, and the program has stayed well within its rights for decades…except for those three years that James Franklin was in the saddle. He’s relocated to Happy Valley, and things aren’t particularly happy in Nash Vegas. The non-conference schedule is loaded with trap games against mid-majors and the conference schedule is loaded with SEC teams. Derek Mason deserves better. Ask Norm Chow how that works out.

16. Miami (FL). Al Golden has rebuilt a proud program in his image. Tragically, his image is 28-22 in four years, and nine of those wins came in 2013. Larry Coker got run for one seven-win season, and he won a national championship in Coral Gables.   Brad Kaaya had a promising freshman year, but he’ll be playing without Duke Johnson in the backfield this year, and if there’s one thing The U won’t stand for, it’s another Underperforming, Unexciting, Unexceptional season.

17. Virginia Tech. There isn’t a more distinguished coaching career in the game today than Frank Beamer’s. There isn’t a more distinguished DC in the game than Bud Foster, who’s been playing Beamerball for 21 years. Imagine how close they are. Imagine how weird things are going to get if the Hokies put up their fourth straight 7ish-win season, and those “Frank should retire and Bud should take over” whispers get louder. This might not be the best year to open with an Ohio State team hellbent on revenge for their one loss last year.  Overall, things will be fine – just fine – in Blacksburg.

18. Nebraska. Bo Pellini was mean. Mike Riley is nice. So very nice. Just like the typical Nebraskan, who is exceedingly nice. Unless, of course, the football team isn’t up to snuff. Then, the typical Nebraskan is slightly less nice. Plus, he owns a shotgun. Happy hunting, Riles.

19. UNLV. You’re a traditional doormat. Expectations around your program are so low that things couldn’t possibly get weird. Unless, of course, you hire a dude straight out of a local high school power as your new head coach. That always works out well. Throw in a three-game opener with traditional mid-major power Northern Illinois, UCLA, and Michigan, and the Rebs might be best off betting their whole season on black.

20. Kansas. God, what a mess. Lose the opener at home to a nine-win FCS squad – South Dakota State – and your new coach is going to start 0-12. Welcome to your Charlie Weis hangover, Jayhawks.